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This is a personal and painful poem about redemption and trying to make things right when one feels like she has lost her way, wondering if she has gone so far off course that any chance for redemption has been lost forever.

When I was 15, I presented myself to you
I publicly declared my perpetual devotion
You promised to be my fortress
A strong crag to conceal me from stormy weather
A caring giver who will love me even in my imperfect state

So I took your hand and let you guide my way
I put my faith in you and gave my all
I made you so proud
Until my darkest hour came
Then you were nowhere to be found

My cries for help went unanswered
A bad seed began to develop within me
And my undying devotion slowly withered

The devil turned me against you
And I became enraged with the world and you
I blamed you for the dark cloud that hung over my head

The devil told me that the world could be mine
So I surrendered to the desires of the flesh
I sought freedom – a taste of the world that you had warned me about

At 22, I left you for me
Freedom came in the form of gin, whiskey & Corona
Freedom took on the shape of Paul, Mike, Harry, or was it Larry?
Freedom was a steady buzz from a lit cigarette
Watching the smoke rise through glazed eyes
Experiencing a temporary high

Everything you said you hated, I did triple fold
As if to hurt you for the wounds I now bear
I felt as though I was on top of the world
No one could hurt me anymore not even you
I was invincible

In fact, I denied your very existence
Until the day my world came crashing down
Freedom unmasked itself as slavery to a good time
A path clearly leading to self-destruction

Now drowning in a pool of darkness and misery
I think of you every now and then
I yearn to return to the safety of your love

But if I came back just as the prodigal son did
Will you accept me or tell me it is too late?
Or that the end is almost near?

Now on bended knees, I beseech you:
God, where are you now?
If you hear my lowly voice, please answer
I need you now more than ever
I can’t dispel these demons on my own

When I was 15, I gave myself to you
At 22, I left you for me…
Now I am reaching out to touch you
To find forgiveness in the blood of your son
To partake of the truth that will set me free
God, I love you.

Published inPoems

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